Life Lessons from the Kids

My job allows me to come in contact with juvenile delinquents. For the most part, their transgressions are relatively minor (curfew, petty theft), but every now and then I'll end up with an aggravated robbery or felonious assault. With a whole year of experience under my belt, I'm offering some free legal advice. (Usefulness, however, may be questionable.) Go ahead, take it. It's all yours.

1) If you're planning on selling fake drugs, make sure the person to whom you're selling that bag of oregano isn't carrying a loaded handgun.
2) Kohl's has a more sophisticated surveillance system than you would think. They will catch you trying to steal that J.Lo t-shirt.
3) Not having enough "outfits" is, surprisingly, not an acceptable excuse for truanting school.
4) Pick your victims carefully. Facing 8 years in juvenile detention in exchange for getting some free sandwiches from Jimmy John's is not a good deal.
5) Don't leave your cell phone in the house you rob. Things get really awkward when your mom calls it and the investigating officer answers.
6) When planning to rob the house of the neighbor you've lived next to for years, don't. Even though you may be wearing a ski mask, chances are good they'll recognize your voice.
7) Feel free to post tales of your illegal exploits and photos of those exploits on MySpace, Facebook, or Youtube. It makes my job exceedingly easy.

You're welcome.

Comments

Roamless Hudson said…
As someone who's worked at Kohl's, I can vouch for the fact that Kohl's has a more sophisticated surveillance system than even its employees would think.

Word to all Kohl's employees (particularly overnight stock clerks): You're not going to get away with hiding merchandise above the stock room ceiling tiles and later carrying it out in a shopping bag.
August 7, 2008 at 2:20 PM
Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Strawberry Basil Shrub (aka, the Drinking Vinegar Craze)

Image
Drinking vinegars, or shrubs, are all the rage these days. Shrubs are fruit infused vingegars sweetened with sugar, and they are delicious mixed with some soda water or any given liquor. Shrubs have been around on the fancy-cocktail circuit for a while (I had a shrub cocktail at Nopa in San Franciso in 2009, and they're making a splash at Andy Ricker's Thai street food mecca  Pok Pok in Portland, Oregon.  His "Pok Pok Som Drinking Vinegars" are so popular that he's producing them for sale outside of his restaurant, and they're now available at Weiland's in Clintonville.  On the local blog scene, last week the lovely Rachel Tayse chronicled her creation of a rhubarb shrub on her blog Hounds in the Kitchen .  You should check it out. Over at the Ham Sandwich HQ, I had a dozen pounds of strawberries, courtesy of a seriously focused hour of picking at Schacht Family Farms last Saturday.   My freezer is not big enough for twelve pounds of frozen str
Read more

Buffalo on the Ceiling, Pancakes on the Floor

Image
And now...FINALLY....the first in series focusing on some of the wonderful (and slightly different) food experiences I had while travelling in Nepal. Nepal has a rich culinary identity, shaped by its proximity to India and Tibet, a temperate climate, and fertile soil in the Kathmandu Valley. While it shares some similarities to other South Asian cultures (rice as a staple, liberal use of curry), it nonetheless has dishes that are unique to the region. There is also a subset of Nepali culture in the Kathmandu Valley, the Newars. The Newars are the indigenous people of the Valley, and have their own language (Newari) as well a culinary tradition distinct from Nepal as a whole. My friend, tour guide, translator, and all around awesome host for my trip, KLB, had heard that there was a "secret" local restaurant near her house, and it served authentic, real-deal Newar food. While on one of our shopping excursions, she asked around and we discovered that it was just around the c
Read more

A Boozy Dinner with The Pioneer Woman

Image
If you're a woman who likes to cook, chances are you've heard of Ree Drummond--a city girl who meets and marries a cattle rancher in Oklahoma, with home-on-the-range adventures ensuing.  She cooks, bakes, home-schools her children and writes about all of it. I've only made one other Pioneer Woman recipe--her buttery, decadent cinnamon rolls--and found this to be a good opportunity to further explore her cooking. For our first foray into Ree Drummond's new cookbook, The Pioneer Woman Cooks: Food From My Frontier , my friend and fellow food blogger Shawnie Kelley (of  Manges! Mangi! ) decided to dive in head first with a meal of three dishes and a cocktail.The theme for dinner number one: recipes with alcohol in them. To start, we whipped up a batch of frozen Mango Margaritas, pictured above. As far as frozen cocktails go, these were pretty good...but then, it's hard to mess up tequila and fruit.  They're strong...1.5 cups each of  tequila and triple sec, and
Read more