The Law at its Finest, or, Out-of-control Toddlers and Felonious Tree Assaults

For those of you that watch Saturday Night Live, there was this Weekend Update segment that Amy Poehler and Seth Myers would do called "Really!?! With Seth and Amy." They used it as their opportunity to skewer the inanity of all sorts of topics, politicians and the economy being the most popular.

We've had two "Really!?!" moments in our office in the last two days: a jaywalking ticket filed against a--wait for it--three-year-old and a felony charge for a juvenile for stabbing a tree with a knife.

I'll give you a moment to let that sink in.

And yes, you read that correctly--a three-year-old. As in, probably not potty-trained yet. As in, really limited verbal skills. As in, he probably doesn't understand that the State has to prove the charges beyond a reasonable doubt. To add insult to injury, the kid was HIT BY A CAR when he darted into traffic. Fortunately, there were no injuries, but for some godforsaken reason, the cop issued a ticket to the kid. Really!?! REALLY!?!?!

What would happen if this kid came to court? "Your honor, the defendant needs a booster seat to see." "Your honor, defendant requests a recess to change defendant's diaper on counsel table." Really!?!


The second "Charge of the Week" is taped up on a cabinet in our kitchenette: a 2007 felony vandalism for stabbing a tree on government property with a butter knife. Really!?!? REALLY!?!...This must have been a serious and prolonged investigation, as we're finally getting the charges TWO YEARS later. Really!?! "Your honor, this young man clearly has no respect for the life and well being of our deciduous trees!" REALLY?!?

Clearly, the State of Ohio is dealing with a serious crime wave, and I'm just thankful that we have agents of justice who are making sure that our communities are safe from wild 3-year-olds, and violent tree assaults.

And lest you panic, and flood me or my office with strongly-worded emails, the State dismissed the charges against the toddler yesterday. I'm not sure yet what we're doing with the tree stabber, but I'm guessing he's going be doing serious time in the green house.

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