Taco Bell Tackles Tacos

Tacos! They're the darlings of the food world (at least here in Columbus), and Taco Bell has jumped on to the taco bandwagon to serve "high-quality, freshly-prepared Mexican tacos...that combine the traits of authentic street tacos with the familiarity of Taco Bell value." (That's from the website.) Thus, ladies and gentlemen, Taco Bell presents the Cantina Taco.

In the spirit of experimentation and not being a bitchy food snob (I try, really, but damn, it's hard to not be one), I made a run for the border after a Clippers game Saturday night, to try these Cantina tacos. The commercials make them appealing enough: two attractive young people enjoying their Cantina tacos on a sunny patio, as a lime wedge with a generic Hispanic accent--yes, a slice of citrus--gives the voice-over, extolling the virtues of an "authentic" taco experience. And god knows I'm a sucker for a sexy-talking lime wedge.

For $2.79, I picked up two Cantina Tacos--chicken and carnitas. If you aren't sure what you're ordering when you ask for a carnitas taco, fear not, as the giant signs in the Taco Bell windows explain that "Carnitas = Spanish for Shredded Pork." ...Those folks at the Bell are nothing if not helpful.

Upon arriving home I was psyched to see AN ACTUAL LIME WEDGE tucked into the foil wrapping of the tacos. I was less psyched to realize that the lime wedge would not be talking to me in sexy-Latin-lover style.


After unwrapping them all the way, this is what I saw:

Pretty thin on the toppings, huh? (They looked bigger in the promos...)

First the chicken taco.
It was pretty uneventful--generic "taco-mix"-flavored white meat pieces that were somewhat spongy, suspiciously and uniformly peachy in color, and lacking in grill marks....I'm thinking perhaps Taco Bell is at the forefront of the mainstream sous vide movement? There was a decent amount of fresh chopped onions, to give it a little crunch (bonus!), but it was dismally short on the cilantro. The squeeze of lime helped give it a little zing, but lime juice on microwaved chicken is still lime juice on microwaved chicken. Overall: meh--not terrible, but I'd rather have a chicken soft taco.

On to the carnitas.
I was looking forward to this one, in all honesty. I freakin love a good pork product, and had some high (and clearly misplaced) hopes for Mr. Carnitas. Enthusiam was quickly dampened by the minimal filling, and reduced further to apprehension at the appearance of the shredded pork: anemic, pastel colored, and possessing an unnatural, gelatinous sheen. A squeeze of Senor Lime and a bite--and I realized that I would never have to wonder what canned cat/dog food tasted like, because I now knew. Yes, in all seriousness, it tasted the way that canned pet food smells. Fake- meaty in flavor, with a similar (same) taco seasoning that the chicken had. A few more bites to confirm that I wasn't being to snap-judgey, but yep, it was still bad--the texture was not so much shredded pork, but soggy pork. Not to mention that this taco had even fewer onions and cilantro than the chicken. Verdict: hells no.

A quick word (ok, two) on the double-wrapped corn tortillas themselves: flavorless and flaccid. And if they were grilled, as advertised, they were grilled in a steamer.

In short, and not surprisingly, Taco Bell manages to take what in any taco truck in the city is a simple and delicious product and turn it into a cheap, poor-tasting facsimile. Ironic, being that they're named Taco Bell and all. If you're craving a late night snack after an evening at the bars, stick with the tried true classics (7-layer burrito or bean burrito, anyone?) and get your taco fix from those fine folks over at tacotruckscolumbus.com. (Huh, looks like they did a little taste-test themselves!)