Life Lessons from the Kids

My job allows me to come in contact with juvenile delinquents. For the most part, their transgressions are relatively minor (curfew, petty theft), but every now and then I'll end up with an aggravated robbery or felonious assault. With a whole year of experience under my belt, I'm offering some free legal advice. (Usefulness, however, may be questionable.) Go ahead, take it. It's all yours.

1) If you're planning on selling fake drugs, make sure the person to whom you're selling that bag of oregano isn't carrying a loaded handgun.
2) Kohl's has a more sophisticated surveillance system than you would think. They will catch you trying to steal that J.Lo t-shirt.
3) Not having enough "outfits" is, surprisingly, not an acceptable excuse for truanting school.
4) Pick your victims carefully. Facing 8 years in juvenile detention in exchange for getting some free sandwiches from Jimmy John's is not a good deal.
5) Don't leave your cell phone in the house you rob. Things get really awkward when your mom calls it and the investigating officer answers.
6) When planning to rob the house of the neighbor you've lived next to for years, don't. Even though you may be wearing a ski mask, chances are good they'll recognize your voice.
7) Feel free to post tales of your illegal exploits and photos of those exploits on MySpace, Facebook, or Youtube. It makes my job exceedingly easy.

You're welcome.

Comments

Roamless Hudson said…
As someone who's worked at Kohl's, I can vouch for the fact that Kohl's has a more sophisticated surveillance system than even its employees would think.

Word to all Kohl's employees (particularly overnight stock clerks): You're not going to get away with hiding merchandise above the stock room ceiling tiles and later carrying it out in a shopping bag.
August 7, 2008 at 2:20 PM
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