Ham Sandwich Indicted!

For the most part, I really love my job. My co-workers are fantastic, I'm rarely lacking for excitement, and I get to handle drugs and guns on a semi-regular basis. Sometimes, however, the failures of the system, the idiocy or cruelty of juvenile delinquents and the tragedy of poor parenting makes me want to do something drastic. Thankfully, the Ohio Peace Officer Training Academy offers an outlet for those frustrations. This past Wednesday I volunteered as a person in crisis for OPOTA's Hostage Negotiation Training. My job was to be a person in a hostage situation and allow the trainees to use the skills they'd learned in the previous days to "talk me down." It was awesome, exhausting, and surprisingly therapeutic . I was given a brief sketch of my character, then allowed to elaborate at will. For two 45 minute periods, I paced up and down on a catwalk, muttering, screaming, and hysterical, while threatening to throw myself and/or my 6 month old baby over ...

Watch out, folks--this post is a rant. I encourage responses. It has come to my attention* that the Catholic Church, in all of its omniscient power (cue celestial hoards of angels), has sent down a new set of regulations for responses during mass. Thanks to the guys pictured above, Catholics in English speaking countries are now facing a more 'elevated' series of responses and phrases, set to be phased in over the next several years. For the record, I'm a born and raised Catholic, and still try to make it to mass on a semi- ish -regular basis. While I think I could be considered faithful, I'm not sure you could call me completely dedicated. I have however, been reciting the same things for the past 20-odd years of my life, and, as I think most Catholics will agree, there's a lot of comfort/satisfaction in that. There's a security in being so familiar with the language of the Mass that I don't need to look at the church missal, and can rattle off any r...

Rice Krispie Treats. Simple, delicious, and easy to throw together at 9:30 at night before the next day's office party. Rice Krispie Treats have been a dessert staple of my family for years. They were one of the earliest things I can remember helping my mom to make, and as my sister and I got older, we had a revelation--you can sub in other cereals of your choosing ("Rice Krispie DOESN'T have a monopoly on these treats!"). My sister's genius contribution was Berry Berry Kix. Tossed with melted butter and marshmallows, Berry Berry Kix turned your average bake sale snack into a fruity taste sensation tempered by those little puffy balls of Kix goodness. (Nothing so overwhelming as using all Fruity Pebbles. Blech.) It also didn't hurt that our breakfast cereal choices as children were limited--Berry Berry Kix were about as "sugary" as my mom allowed. Necessity is truly the mother of invention. Being a "more is better" kind of girl, wh...

My job allows me to come in contact with juvenile delinquents. For the most part, their transgressions are relatively minor (curfew, petty theft), but every now and then I'll end up with an aggravated robbery or felonious assault. With a whole year of experience under my belt, I'm offering some free legal advice. (Usefulness, however, may be questionable.) Go ahead, take it. It's all yours. 1) If you're planning on selling fake drugs, make sure the person to whom you're selling that bag of oregano isn't carrying a loaded handgun. 2) Kohl's has a more sophisticated surveillance system than you would think. They will catch you trying to steal that J.Lo t-shirt. 3) Not having enough "outfits" is, surprisingly, not an acceptable excuse for truanting school. 4) Pick your victims carefully. Facing 8 years in juvenile detention in exchange for getting some free sandwiches from Jimmy John's is not a good deal. 5) Don't leave your cell phone in ...

Cincinnati. Home to lots of fun things. The Reds. Northern Kentucky. Chili wars (Skyline? Gold Star?). Ikea and Jungle Jims. Goetta. Goetta? If you're like me (and everyone else not from Cincy) you have no idea what that is. It's food (pronounced get-a). More specifically, breakfast meat. Even more specifically, it's German sausage that's mixed with steel-cut oats. This breakfast meat is so popular, there's a Fest built around it every year in Cincy (well, technically, Newport, but you know what I mean. And yes, it's called GoettaFest.) I had the privilege of attending GoettaFest this year, and it was an eye-opening experience. Goetta is not unlike tofu in it's flexible culinary nature. You can enjoy goetta hogies, goetta "cheesesteaks," goetta dogs, goetta fritters, goetta tacos, goetta brownies...well, you "goetta" the idea. (Sorry, I had to.) While at G-Fest, I tried the original version (pork), and my Goetta-eating parter-in-breakfast...